Conflict in Relationship

By Alice Malloy, M.S.W., C.S.W.

When I ask couples about to be married what they think about conflict in relationship, they usually indicate they would like a conflict-free marriage. This makes sense. No one looks forward to arguing. But, of course, conflict is inevitable in relationship and if handled well, can promote healing and growth. In fact, the best predictor of satisfaction in marriage is the successful handling of conflict and disagreement. Even so, discomfort with hurt and anger can prevent couples from communicating their feelings, which often results in a failure to resolve important issues.

It is instinctive to seek safety in relationship. Fear of criticism, attack or abandonment result in the development of avoidant patterns of dealing with hurt and anger. See if you recognize any of these patterns.

o The SULKER usually takes on the look of sadness and stops all but necessary communi- cation

o The LIAR lets you know with body language that he is angry or hurt but denies it verbally. The Liar's partner then goes to work eliciting the problem. The script looks something like this.

"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Something's wrong tell me."
"I told you, nothing is wrong."
"Come on, I can tell something's wrong."
"All right, since you must know……."

o The STEALTH BOMBER stuffs anger until it comes out as an atomic explosion, usually leaving the partner in a catatonic state.

o The FIRE STARTER acts out anger in different ways such as forgetting important dates, showing up late for appointments, neglecting to call when s/he is going to be late.

o The MAGICIAN effects a disappearing act exiting either physically or emotionally from the stage of conflict.

These styles of anger are actually defenses developed in early years as a method of keeping the child emotionally safe in her environment. However, in adulthood these patterns lead to separation and deterioration of relationships.

Take a few minutes to examine how anger was handled in your home. You may find some clues as to how you deal with it in the present. For example: "Susan's" childhood memory was that her mother withdrew and stopped speaking to her when she was angry, in effect, emotionally abandoning her. Susan learned to avoid her mother's emotional abandonment by burying her feelings, a pattern she has carried into her adult relationship with her husband, "Tom." Tom, on the other hand, was lectured whenever he expressed angry feelings as a child. As a result, involvement in conflict as an adult leaves him feeling he is a "bad person." He denies his anger.

The inability to deal with feelings of hurt and anger greatly endangers a relationship. Our "good" feelings become casualties of the process of internalizing negative feelings. We begin to shut down emotionally and separate from the one with whom we most desire intimacy.

It is not surprising that couples like Susan and Tom avoid the pain of conflict. Yet, it is important for them to find a safe way to express their difficult feelings. The best way we know of doing this is by using the Intentional Dialogue found on the last page of this issue.

Before you dialogue, however, let's review a few rules for successful communication.

o When you are sending (speaking) to your partner, begin your sentences with "I,"
"I was worried yesterday when you didn't call."
This lets your partner know that you are talking about you and taking responsibility for your feelings. When sentences begin with"you"--"you didn't call"--they sound blaming and cause your partner to become occupied with defending herself rather than hearing your message.

o Avoid the use of words such as always and never. This just isn't true. No one always or never does anything. Once again, use of these terms will cause defenses to rise.

o Stay focused on the issue at hand and avoid bringing in the laundry list of grievances -- "you didn't call me last week either and you left the car without gas on Tuesday!" This is what I call the shotgun effect and it leads to the instant death of communication.

o Don't walk out on communication without saying you will be back. Exiting can leave your partner with a painful feeling of abandonment. If things become too heated for you, it is reasonable to take some time for a cooling off period. It is important, however, to let your partner know that you are willing to resume the conversation within a reasonable amount of time. It is also important for your partner to accept this.

o Avoid bringing others into the conversation--"your brother agrees with me." This issue is between the two of you.

o Never resort to name calling. Words like jerk, stupid, dumb, lazy, selfish are words of attack and they are destructive to the other's self esteem.

For the receiver (listener), it is important to keep in mind that the message your partner is sending is about him. Try getting into the other's world and accept how it is for him. This does not mean that you have to agree with what is being said or that it is right. It is simply about how he sees it.

For example, Susan may interpret Tom's consistent lateness as a lack of interest in her. The truth may be that, while Tom loves Susan, he fears her criticism and avoids it by working late.

Most of us listen with half an ear while our mind rehearses a rebuttal. In the Intentional Dialogue, the "receiver" mirrors back to the "sender" what she has heard. This not only keeps her focus on her partner's message, it also helps her partner hear and clarify what he is saying.

When you listen, pay attention to your body language. The messages we send with our eyes, face and body can be just as biting as those we send with words. Rolling your eyes, for example, is a clear message to the speaker that what she is saying is being judged. Put your reactions aside while your partner is speaking. Remember, you will have your turn when she is finished.

Dialogue clears away the assumptions and misunderstandings that lead couples into repeated battles. It is a skill, however and, like any skill, the more you do it, the better you become at it. Healthy communication is what makes a relationship deepen and grow satisfying. It is a true gift you give to one another. It says "I love you and I want to know you."

Alice Malloy, M.S.W., C.S.W. is a Certified Imago Relationship therapist with
Advanced Clinican standing in Port Washington, New York.
For information: Port Washington (Long Island) Office: (516) 767-3250
Email: alicemalloy@earthlink.net